by Ulysses Q. Cransworth

The truly elite world class Diplomacy player, (myself, Tubbs and Thom Comstock are the only vernerable soul smelters I can ponder), will cross his eyes in joy at the smell of GAL - SIL, Fall 04 as Turkey. His innards will tremble, pucker and sing God Save the Queen everytime a NOOB mentions a stalemate line. Nipples will dance, pinky toes will tap out the book of Genesis in Morse Code, and nostrils will flare, when his 10 year ally holds his head in this hands and breaks out the Tums.

To enjoy these emotional tribulations, one must be dedicated. I have after years of intense research come up with the perfect formula for Diplomacy success. You may wonder, "Why would Mr. Cransworth want to reveal his secret"? My mind is complicated, and riddled with holes from years of Ether abuse, but I have a strong longing for challenging opponents. I hope you, the humble reader, will apply my methods and become the Frankenstein advesary that could offer me a challenge. After years of laying waste to the countryside with my Panzers of Pain, (wicked tongue, variegated eyebrow raises and muted shrugs), the Diplomacy Hobby lay trembling at my feet. Will a messiah phoenix be reborn using my techniques? My soul aches for a "Yey"!

Step 1: Illumination

Do not sleep for 3 days, and bathe every 3 hours in extremely hot water. Read the following 3 books 3 times each day: Machiavelli; Siddhartha and Winnie the Pooh.

The Warrior Spirit enters a Nirvana like state in his quest. His eagle eyed stare burns wood on a hot day. His handshake will crush you. Moxy is a word that only begins to describe his forehead wrinkles.

Step 2: Disposal of Regret

In your sleep deprived state, begin a travel for 5 days. Follow your instinct. Make no plans. Listen to the homeless, the lepers, librarians and bartenders. Spend as much money as possible on distance, but be meager with food and beverages. Dance on odd days, be pensive on even, have sex with anything that moves, and ride horses for they jostle your onions.

A cold wind will suddenly shake you and point you homeward.

Step 3: Internal Fire

Your homeward journey is yours. I cannot tell you what will happen, but you will know when your fire is raging. God's iron is close. You will walk amongst the dead and they will cry with pain. A perfect circle appears in the night sky, glimmering faintly. Only you can see it.

Once you have tamed your Internal Fire, keep it at bay, but do not tether it. It remains always, you have been ignoring it for so long it is a sick and moldy green bean casserole mushroom left out in the sun too long. Let it grow into the Oak Tree it should be. Use it to crush the Post Man who moves so slowly when purchasing Teddy Roosevelt Commerative Stamps. This reserve has even helped me in mundane tasks such as canning.

—Ulysses Q. Cransworth Jr,
Mobile Alabama

Ulysses Q Cransworth,
c/o the Editor

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