Songs for the Season

Various Frauds and Charlatans

What Do We Have Here?

In the sprit of the holidays, we present for your entertainment (?) a collection of carols. Although this issue of the Zine was not published until after the new year has turned, at least readers in holiday seasons to come will be able to print these pages and traipse around their neighborhood extolling the Diplomacy players' version of peace and brotherhood.

The idea for this collection came from Bradd W. Szonye, who had the unmitigated gall to post his butchering of a fine Christmas song to the newsgroup. At the tail end of his post, he wrote: "Uh-oh... I 'better watch out' myself, or that Manus Hand guy'll start asking me to write articles for The Pouch."

Right he was, and you're the worse off for it, as you're about to find out. So, with no further ado -- other than a bit of friendly advice to hold your nose before diving in -- here are the lyrics to the first-ever Diplomatic Pouch holiday song collection.

Austria is Coming to Town

To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
Lyrics by Bradd W. Szonye
Apologies to Haven Gillespie and J. Fred Coots

You better talk fast
You better not lie
You better not stab, I'm tellin' you why
Austria is coming to town!

He's writing his press
He's reading it twice
He's gonna find out who's loyal and nice
Austria is coming to town

He sees what you've been plotting
He knows that you're a fake
He knows you're gonna stab him soon
But be good for appearances' sake!

(Repeat chorus)

With pastry and cake
And sausage for food
Vienna, Trieste, and Budapest too
Austria is coming to town

When little red stars
And battleship boats
Are all that's left that walks or floats
Austria is coming to town

The Russians and the Sultan
Will have a dirge to sing
When Romans land in Smyrna-town
And Galicia falls in spring

(Repeat chorus)

He's gonna stab the Kaiser
He's gonna stab the Pope
But he's gotta stop that juggernaut
Or he'll hang dead from a rope

(Repeat chorus)

F NAt C A Lpl-(Disney)World
(pronounced "Phnat's a Lipple (Disney) World")

To the Tune of "It's a Small World"
Lyrics by Daniel Kirkwood
Apologies to Richard Sherman and Robert Sherman

It's a world of armies, a world of fleets,
It's a world of victories and of defeats,
But it's too small to share, so it's time you're aware
That it's my world after all!

It's a world of treachery, a world of fears,
It's a world of blood, sweat, and toil and tears,
And it cannot be shared; it is nought that you cared
For it's my world after all.

It's a small world after all,
It's a small world after all,
It's a small world after all,
But it's mine, mine, mine (ALL MINE!)

It's a world of plots and a world of schemes,
And I'm sorry to end all your precious dreams,
But though I hate to boast, it appears that you're toast
And it's my world after all.

For our world's at war; it has never known peace;
And it may well end 'ere aggression doth cease;
Though you think it's a sin, I am going for the win:
It is my world after all.

(Repeat chorus)

It's a world of treaties and defense pacts,
It's a world of kind words and stabs in the back,
And since peace is a bore, it seems we're now at war:
And it's my world after all

(Repeat chorus)

Let Him Grow

To the tune of "Let It Snow"
Lyrics by Manus Hand
Apologies to Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne

Oh, his center count size is frightful
But his press is so delightful
And since he's no bitter foe
Let him grow, let him grow, let him grow

Oh, he doesn't show signs of stopping
His relentless province hopping
But his sights are set way down low
Let him grow, let him grow, let him grow

When you finally say goodbye
How he'll hate it -- how much you'll be missed!
Through his tears, though, you realize
All your SC's are now his

But until then he's such a nice guy
An "I'll never stab you twice" guy
You can't help it, you trust him so
Let him grow, let him grow, let him grow

Norway and Finland

To the tune of "Winter Wonderland"
Lyrics by Manus Hand
Apologies to Dick Smith and Felix Bernard

English king, watch your steppin'
In the north, Russia's preppin'
And soon the North Sea
Will turn unfriendly
Convoying from Norway and Finland
Gone away, your Denmark-y
In its place, a Russian army
He sang a love song
And strung you along
Convoying from Norway and Finland

He has piled white fleets up like a snowman
To pretend he'll visit Kaiser Brown
Who'll ask "Are you allied?" -- You'll say "No man!"
(And you'll be right when he's in London-town)
Later on, he'll conspire
'Cause he's such a good liar
He'll take you to school,
And take Liverpool
Convoying from Norway and Finland

(Repeat chorus)

He has piled white fleets up like a snowman
And now you feel like a circus clown
He'll have lots of fun with Mister Snowman
'Cause there's no way that you can knock 'im down
English king, ain't it thrillin'
As you watch your own killin'?
He'll frolic and play,
In his Russian way
Convoying from Norway and Finland
Convoying from Norway and Finland!

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