by Harold Reynolds

For our readers' amusement, we offer this collection of Diplomacy themed limericks by the talented Harold Reynolds!

#1 — How to Win (December 1992, from the A-Z)
In Diplomacy to be a winner,
one must be a terrible sinner.
The teller of lies,
Grows to a frightening size,
While the virtuous only get thinner.

#2 — Mack Got the Knife (April 12, 2014)
A Diplomacy player named Mack
Wanted to make a pre-emptive attack.
But he had to depend
On a neighbouring "friend" -
What he got was a knife in the back.

#3 — The Angry German (April 12, 2014)
I got email from a desperate German
Who said "All my neighbours are vermin!
They all have the hots
For my beautiful dots
And they think that my damn name is Hermann!" (Winter, 1903)

#4 — Constantinople (April 26, 2014)
A woman from Constantinople
Lost her favorite jewel: an opal.
It was found by Sam Eppy,
A priest who was peppy,
And the opal is now episcopal. (Spring, 1904)

#5 — New Delhi (Youngstown Dip SC) May 10, 2014
People complain that New Delhi
Is crowded and noisy and smelly.
And that wild baboons
Beating Japanese goons
Is all that they show on the telly.

#6 — Walter Buchanan (adapted from one published May 17, 2014)
One day our friend Walter Buchanan
Got shot from the mouth of a cannon.
He said as he flew
"There must be better ways to
Go visit my lovely friend Shannon."

#7 — Undead Diplomacy (October 19, 2014)
Undead Diplomacy's cool
Because of the following rule.
It says when you're stabbed,
And your SCs are grabbed,
You get to come back as a ghoul.

#8 — Diplomacy Games (October 20, 2014)
Each Diplomacy game is a tale
Of deceit and defeat and betrayal,
Where being too nice
Is considered a vice
And results in your exile to Wales.

#9 — Jim Burgess (October 23, 2014)
A wonderful guy is Jim Burgess,
But he does have some terrible urges.
Though he might be gabbing,
He's thinking of stabbing,
And soon all you're saying is curses.

#10 — Costaguana (October 26, 2014)
The venerable zine Costaguana
Is not about pricing iguanas.
If you were asked to play,
You would probably say:
"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!"

#11 — The Abyssinian Prince (TAP)
Nobody's opinion of TAP
Is that it's a huge pile of crap.
If you lifted a stack
Of all issues, your back
Would blow itself out with a snap.

#12 — Not a Waste of Time (November 8, 2014)
Diplomats say it's a crime
To call it the Eater of Time.
Time isn't wasted
If you're enemy's pasted
Into primorial slime.

#13 — Marseilles
There was a young lass in Marseilles
Whose guy wouldn't do as she'd say.
"You must support me in Spain
Or you'll feel the pain
Of a kick in the nuts every day!"

#14 — German Invasion
As the Germans were crossing the Rhine,
They said "We're just here for the wine.
We'll enter Burgundy
At twelve o'clock Sunday
And see you in Paris by nine."

#15 — Black Sea
The Black Sea is an oversized lake
Where Turkish and Russian fleets make
A battle each season
Without any reason
Except for some SCs to take.

#16 — France
A gentleman player of France
Couldn't get into his pants.
And when the seams ripped,
He said "I've been gypped!
This makes it much harder to dance!"

Harold Reynolds

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